WHERE DO I BELONG?

Have you ever felt like you belong in two places..? like..you don’t know which suits you better..a calm country life or a busy city one.. this..I experience like a season of a year!

          It comes and goes but I never really understand where I truly belong.. the way my mind works and the weirdest dreams I have always tells me that I’m a bit of an overload for a small town life in India! I say to myself that I can really work out as a single independent smarty roaming around the city on my own without anyone, to go home to..  reach my apartment around midnight after watching a movie with multilingual friends I work with..ordering myself a Chinese food from any take-away restaurant that I read about!sleep without being rudely awakened by anyone for breakfast,get out of bed ,swich on the flat screen, make myself a coffee and sit down on my comfy couch reading the paper..  Without worrying about anyone else but me..and going with the flow of time and fun that life throws ..! yes..,it would absolutely suit me..because I am a kind of a solitude person with huge dreamy dreams! Might be these all are the fullest influence of the many foreign movies and novels I read..or.. might be I DO want to be like that! How do I know for sure..it’s such a crappy thing to choose the best for yourself..it’s easy when you do it for others..it’s too damn heavy if it comes to your own life!..because..

    I like going to a smallish place with no hi-fi facilities but just people..and chat and play around like a kid with my parents watching over me..I like to be scolded by my perfect father about me being reckless and irresponsible..I love that my mother tells me to behave just once like a grown up girl..I really miss having nasty fights (of the cause, that I never recollect at the end of it)with my big brother..I always loved being a little sister to most of my brother’s friends who talks so idiotically about how they love a girl! Above all, I love loads of people around me all time..and I really am damn proud that I have some really good non-backstabbing,non-cut-throat friends and family I really can trust with my life..really,its such a big deal in this ever changing world based on just money and sex!

    At your hometown you are the way you are born..you are the person you desire to be ,when you reach a foreign land,! no matter how much you were in love with your country back home, its a complete truth that you get immediately attracted by the easy going,i-don’t-mind-what-the-others-are-wearing kind of life style..seriously!!it just strikes you so badly that you wish you were brought up somewhere around there.. people don’t criticize each and every step you take..they don’t bother about your new hair cut,they don’t give a sneering stare at your choice of dressing,they don’t advice you to look a little differently..i mean..you can be your goddamn self!!! What else do you want with your life?

      Days and years pass(threshold varies..!)..some start missing their REAL home..some become too bitchy to accept that they are from a small town in India(well even India as a whole for that matter..!),some just act indifferent to the fact that they are in a foreign land(it just becomes their home..just like that!),some ..very few REALISE that the inner country-type part of you never dies,even if you move to Antarctica!

   Well that’s what I realized..I go abroad,spend time with my dad,enjoy a foreign life..even believe that I belong there more than my India..but it lasts for very few days..VERY few! And then I just know that no one could kill the country girl out of me.. !!

    Life abroad..,a different,independent one to the one we lead. might seem very sexy and attractive..!But even if I have the best days of my life there… it can never match UP with my India! I just love the disoriented, erratic life with no promises ..than the well organized hygienic and freaky life of abroad! 

  

      

THE CHOICES

How many crappy hours of a day do you spend in brutally abusing others for the things going on in your life..? how many fractions of a second would you have cursed the driver of the usual bus you board,for coming a bit earlier than you did..? well I ve did it a zillion of times! The times I didn’t get a ticket for my favorite movie,the day I missed to attend a function at home,the day I forgot to take the damned hall ticket of my exam…loads of it..multiple silly things! It could start from not getting the proper food u wanted at a new place to the job you don’t deserve.. we grab hold of every single chance of letting someone other than us, hear,“its all your bloody mistake”..

   Is this what’s really happening? I can’t help but notice the many flaws in my statements, when I’m awfully cooled ,after everything goes right by the end of the day.. it all comes to this point in life..the point where you know or fully cherish the wisdom of your choices..the point where your mind is calm and settled without anymore internal battles of making the right decision..! so how the hell does this point in life reached.. I have NOT a clue! But..

   I am a great believer of destiny..hear me right! I believe in destiny and not fate..yes..! there is a difference, if you are wondering! Broadly speaking, fate is something predetermined and the finality of everything..and destiny is just a ‘probable’ outcome!! Uhhh..ok..lets say fate is something that always END bad and destiny is something that has a little edge over fate in being more pleasant(I’m sure Wikipedia has a better explanation)..our destiny has an edge over fate because of a small(really BIG..!) thing called CHOICES!

    You wake up,hit your noisy alarm to just shut up.!you decide you wanna sleep a liiitle more than usual..so u do so! Obvious sequelae is going through a much nerve -wrecking than usual morning schedule..comprising AGAIN of the obvious ‘missing the bus/train sequence’..well, you can imagine the rest of the day..! A choice can be as simple as this or as big as deciding to work your own way through a new electronic gadget(it would end disastrous for me..machines hate me).!the most important thing here is..your choices make the person you REALLY are! At this stage of life, might be we are the dependent group..might be we are biased about our choices depending on stupid adult recklessness..! Becoming aware of what’s really right and really horrific is..shall we say..always just a pandemonium.! Let’s just say that you have got your wisdom teeth now and you are growing into a rational human being..in that case,our choices is that all it matters…

   Destiny can be made of millions of anti-climax,sorrowful or fairy tale endings..it doesn’t change in any one single good or bad deed in your life but every single choices you made.!Consider this.. If you come to know that your lover is going to die in one day,might be you will make a better choice of giving her the best day of her life rather than telling her that things are not going good between the both of you..the choice of doing so,gives you the warmth of providing happiness to your lover and make HER also know that she made the right choice of loving you!..but her death is not in your control..it’s inevitable and cruel..The only thing is that you can vanish all your tears at her death by knowing you made the right choice! Some things in life are out of our control..but always make choices that will lead you in a better path to your destiny!

     Where your heart lies,is where your destiny awaits!

      

AS IT IS..

Charming….what does it mean exactly? I’m thinking it’s something that attracts you even without realizing that you are bumping into it. Is the world charming enough to get noticed.? Well then there is no other word better than ‘charming’ to describe my world.. It instantly stimulates the pleasure centre of my brain and I get my centre of gravity drawn towards it..

     What’s so charming..? I look around.. ya I got something..it’s the tv showing me a draught ridden Africa with third world conditions and the largest refugee camp..tv always tells a lot,..so I scan thru.. hmmm what’s that..yaaa.. lady gaga is dressed up as a guy for the mtv music awards and that’s a big,huge thing according to the e! network..thats ok..whats next.. oh I love this one, it’s always hot and happening..a train load of people burnt alive due to religious riots..That’s an usual!! What else what else… will you look at that.. a documentary in bbc telling me,don’t give a shite about any of this because we all are gonna die anyways, in one of the million ways described in final destination or a ‘disaster’ movie….due to global warming or the mayan calendar or whatever those NASA people keep telling…

      We are totally screwed aren’t we?. Running around looking for something worthy to be drawn towards…by the end of the day we always WILL get charmed, by some or the other stupid things that does not make any part of our bleeding lives…to put it in a better way…we all ve radar in our head that always gets us moronic and picks up bummers or silly things.. that’s CHARMING..!!

     I love this line…life is a series of rooms and the “who’s” we are stuck in play a important part of our lives that just I.. I keep thinking about this often..is that true?? Am I judged and lead by people other than my own little brainy junior..i think so, to an extent.. but I think this too.. if it’s the rooms that are deterministic..then why make my room a narrow one..i can expand it as much as I can and include as many people I could! Not to be judged by so many but to understand how others mind works..

     So I decided(a looog time ago..!) that I should live my life to the fullest of its charmingness.. dead crazy or the most saddening one..!! just wanna feel what it’s like..I tend to be a big drama queen at times..never can help it..I changed that a little bit when a friend of mine told that I’m overreacting for small things…he is a complete down to earthy kind,very very much..! there are so many things I ve willingly changed over the years…due to many reasons! Wanna be liked by as many as I know,(yes! I am very much selfish)want to know as many things as possible..u know like..I wanted to have a opinion about everything..space,science,psychology,architecture,languages,politics! Most of all I’m a huge brown noser..u know..the one who tells people what they want to hear for personal benefits..it’s totally true except for the ‘personal benefit part’..I really mean that! Or not..Im not sure..when I do that I feel really good(as I told you, the most selfish person I ve ever known)..call me crazy but I really want to roam around the world just to meet different kinds of people..I don’t want to be stuck in one single place! I wanna do some good in this world..something! it drives me mad to be sitting around idle when I know that thousands are dying just because there is no one to look after them(I already told you..I tend to be a drama queen!)..

      Seriously think about it..end of the day it’s just all about me..! just me! I AM selfish..but I don’t want this to be in this sort of way..wish I could…do so MANY things as possible..but I need a lot more than be just ilakkia pandian ,nobody!

    Enough of this.. where did I start all this anyway..! charming world yeah..!? a huge wide universe with billions of stars,one of it being our galaxy and our sun,,and among thousands of planets ,one tiny tiny earth..and in this earth are billions of beings..from a protozoa to a big headed iit guy.. and im sitting in my dad’s tiny tiny house and typing in my brilliantly designed laptop(which by the way has millions of hands behind its being) writing something that I won’t even believe in if I get married and have my own headaches to govern.. the point being it’s our choices and our heart that leaves a niche to our being.. at this moment how I am is probably the true ‘myself’..anything can change over the years ..anything..! but I always will know that I don’t have a feel of belonging to anything in particular.. I belong to this world just as much as a cockroach does..! so what this charming world tells me is that im a global citizen with a GPS dot might be till I die..and I will never be grabbed by the atrocities of my present surroundings unless I REALLY want it! Im a freelance homosapien and...nothing more than that..!